Ask Alessandro?

My friend Lisa just sent me this link, and you don’t want to read what’s there while you’re drinking anything.

A hacker? Someone asleep at the censorship wheel? Or maybe this will be an ongoing feature? Because it’s apparently not the first such piece. I am mystified, and amused.

Update: Looks like they removed it, but I saved the page.
alessandro

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Richard Burger is the author of Behind the Red Door: Sex in China, an exploration of China's sexual revolution and its clash with traditional Chinese values.

The Discussion: 35 Comments

A Suggestion for the Chinese Government To Set Up An International Prize called the “Mao Zedong Prize”

This is a way to counter the influence of the Nobel Prize. The Former USSR had such a prize, called Lenin Peace Prize. Many American civil right activsts who were persecuted and murdered by the FBI and CIA were awarded this prize, including Doctor Martin Luther King.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lenin_Peace_Prize

This Mao Zedong prize is a prize open to all people of the world, so it’s very possible that most of the time the winners of this prize will be foreigners, not Chinese. Just like the winners of the Nobel Prizes are mostly not Swedish.

Any one recognized to be innovatively and effectively using general theories of Mao Zedong thought, including the Theory of Contradictions, the Theory of Practice, etc, to contribute to human advancement will be considered for the prize. This prize’s money can be from a foundation established by the descedents of Mao Zedong, so it does not necessarily have to be associated with the government. The committee that reviews candidates can also be made up of any Chinese people or even international Maoists.

There will be several prizes:

Mao Zedong Revolutionary Prize: This is a prize awarded to people who achieved great things in the struggle against imperialism and hegemonism, and made great contribution to the economic and sovereign independence of his/her nation. For example, Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, Chairman Pulachangda of the rebel militant Communist Party of Nepal, Fidel Castro of Cuba, Kim Jung Il of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran, and of course Osama bin Laden of Afghanistan.

Mao Zedong Medicine Prize: This is a prize awarded to people who strove for the general improvement of public health, including improvements in the treatment/elimination of certain contagious diseases in poor areas, reducing healthcare costs increasing health care quality and expanding health care access of lower-income individuals. Possible candidate can be Barack Obama of the United States of America, if he can make real significant progress in health care reform.

Mao Zedong Physics Prize: This is a prize awarded to people who utilize the philosophical aspects of Mao Zedong Thought in the study and research of physics, and make great achievements as a result. It’s not enough to simply be a great phycists, but one must be a great physicists who also integrates Mao Zedong’s philosophy in his research, because physics without using philosophy and politics is mechanical and incomplete. Possible candidate can be Professor He Zhama of the Chinese Academy of Sciences for applying Mao Zedong thought in the study of elementary particles.

Mao Zedong Litereture Prize: This is a prize awarded to artists who serve the people using art based on the principles as outlined by Mao Zedong in his Talk in the Yanan Forum, basically the idea that there’s no such thing as art’s for art’s sake, all art is subordinated to political needs. Possible candidates can be progressive artists in the West who produce music/painting/novel/dance/film/etc and to liberate the minds of the masses and instigate them to fight against imperialism, and capitalist exploitation.

Mao Zedong Humanitarian Prize: This is a prize awarded to people who are recognized to selflessly serve the masses and have utmost moral integrity. Note, it’s not enough to simply donate a lot of money to charity to be considered for this prize, because humanitarianism takes on many forms, and money is not necessarily the most important form. In fact, candidates for this prize do not have to have donated any money to any charity, small people can do good in big ways. Another important condition of this prize is that the humanitarian displayed by the candidate must not be motivated by religion. If a Christian or Catholic who spends his entire life doing charity work, he.she still will not be considered at all.

March 5, 2010 @ 11:58 am | Comment

Math, what would this blog be without you?

How about the Mao Zedong Steel-making Prize? How about a prize for the person who loses the most weight on the Mao Zedong Diet? Or the Mao Zedong Struggle Session Prize for whoever turn in the most neighbors to the PSB?

March 5, 2010 @ 12:55 pm | Comment

“This Mao Zedong prize is a prize open to all people of the world, so it’s very possible that most of the time the winners of this prize will be foreigners, not Chinese. Just like the winners of the Nobel Prizes are mostly not Swedish.”
—the difference is that most foreigners of Sweden would be honoured to receive a Nobel, whereas their reaction to that phone call from Beijing informing them of their MZD might reflect less enthusiasm.

I must say Math seems to have time on his hands.

March 5, 2010 @ 2:07 pm | Comment

of course Osama bin Laden of Afghanistan.

Erm..but Osama isn’t an Afghan to begin with….

March 5, 2010 @ 3:12 pm | Comment

“of course Osama bin Laden of Afghanistan”

And of course it’s funny to group a religious fanatic (bin Laden) together with an anti-religious fanatic (Mao- ask the Uyghurs or rather the Hui what they might think of his “respect” for Islam, as well as his party’s continued “respect”). Yet somehow one can imagine that the two might just be stupid enough to get along every once in a while.

March 5, 2010 @ 3:43 pm | Comment

Mao Zedong humanitarian prize should be only intended to those foreigners, specially westerns, have proved themselves loving China, aka CCP government, long time.

March 6, 2010 @ 5:57 am | Comment

still better than WSJ

March 6, 2010 @ 6:32 am | Comment

Osama Bin Liner of where? I thought he was in Pakistan these days…

March 6, 2010 @ 6:38 am | Comment

I believe Mao ZeDong Peace Prize is urgently needed. Nobel peace had turned into a big joke, since it was awarded to the political monk, who has nothing to do with peace.

March 6, 2010 @ 12:20 pm | Comment

The Pope got the Nobel Prize?? Egad!!

March 6, 2010 @ 4:54 pm | Comment

i guess that didn’t last long – the link no longer works…

March 6, 2010 @ 5:44 pm | Comment

Here’s the text of the now-taken-down article:

Ask Alessandro

Alessandro is a man. He lives in Beijing now.

Women who have enjoyed Alessandro are 24 percent more profoundly aware that light years are a measure of distance rather than time when compared to their less attractive counterparts, according to a recent study by the Space Probe Italy Center. Alessandro has loved many women, very much.

Dear Alessandro,

If unused for a long time, can vaginas really grow closed?

– S. Natch

I receive your question. Now I would like ask you one. One time my sister, Alessandra, have this dog. Called Cha Cha. He is champagne colored Chihuahua. Every day she play with him, put on him the little diamond collar which she buy with the money of some man get to fottere her. One day Alessandra take Cha Cha for the walk. She tell me: “Oh Alessandro, you should see him. He whine and whine and whine to go to the walk. Then when we walk, even it rain, he want take in all the experience, sniff the air, sniff the lamppost…” I says to her: “He want to sniff piss of the other dog.” She says: “Sure. But point is, he experience the journey. Me, or you, we focus too much on the destination.” For a moment I think about this. Is maybe most insightful thing she ever say. Then she say: “Anyway, it was piss me off he do this. So we walked to vet, I tell them give he lethal injection.” So probably it good Cha Cha don’t know the destination, if he start to dwell on this, he maybe not enjoy the walk so much.

The point is, at the moment, your vagina is like Cha Cha – it want to enjoy the process of get exercise, smell the piss. This is wrong. You should see your vagina like a man (or Alessandra) will see it. As the destination. Is not you vagina job to enjoy the journey. Is you vagina job to receive the injection and stop whining so much.

Thanks you.

March 6, 2010 @ 6:26 pm | Comment

And here is the comments thread to the piece:

2010-03-05 17:01 GT web u

A Wall Street Journal blog entry criticizing your offensive “column” just made it to the fourth most popular articles on WSJ’s website. I would strongly consider taking the “column” down. It’s not funny.

1. Shanghai Building Collapses, Nearly Intact
2. Tracks of His Tears: Why Akio Toyoda Choked Up
3. Diary of Official’s Sexcapades Rivets China
4. A Vulgar Turn in China’s International Media Ambitions
5. Part-Time Tour Guide Takes Gold for a Ride
2010-03-05 16:56 GT web u

“We can’t help but doubt that this is actually the voice that China’s internationally ambitious media masters want to project. Maybe someone should read the column before it goes to print.”
2010-03-05 15:42 GT web user

One word, asshole! Fuck back to your stupid country!!!!!!!!
2010-03-05 15:29 GT web user

天哪,怎么这么低速啊
2010-03-05 15:28 GT web user

One word, asshole! Fuck back to your stupid country!!!!!!!!
2010-03-05 15:13 GT web user

Trulty pathetic. Are you getting paid for this tripe?
2010-03-05 14:21 GT web u

This is really offensive and crass.
2010-03-05 14:02 GT web user

Life style…Beijing is INDEED metropolitian that such a filthy stupid foreigner like this Mr Alessandro can be a column writer!!
2010-03-05 13:39 GT web user

哪位大大能告诉我这一句到底想表达什么: “Alessandro has loved many women, very much”.

他是来自意大利的西门大官人? 中国妇女有福了?
2010-03-05 13:37 GT web user

Excuse me?? Does anyone actually work as an EDITOR for Global Times?? Had anyone actually READ this stuff before it got printed? Would anyone kindly explain WHY THE HELL CAN THIS BE ON A NEWSPAPER AT ALL??Hello???

March 6, 2010 @ 6:28 pm | Comment

@T.c. lim
Mao ZeDong Peace Prize

Give any peace prize you want but just don’t use Mao’s name. That egoistic nutcase who ruined his country and brought untold suffering to his people stands for everything except peace.

““A revolution is not a dinner party, or writing an essay, or painting a picture, or doing embroidery; it cannot be so refined, so leisurely and gentle, so temperate, kind, courteous, restrained and magnanimous. A revolution is an insurrection, an act of violence by which one class overthrows another.”– Mao

Mao ZeDong Peace Prize? I think it should be Hu Yaobang Peace Prize.

March 7, 2010 @ 3:15 am | Comment

Richard, thanks for the text. Truly unreal.

March 7, 2010 @ 5:26 am | Comment

HAHAHAHA

March 7, 2010 @ 6:28 am | Comment

Glad you saved it, Richard. I did too! Boy I would sure like to know how that made it into “print.”

March 7, 2010 @ 8:07 am | Comment

Oh boy! What an article

March 7, 2010 @ 8:16 am | Comment

Classic! Somebody was obviously pranking the Global Times. Thanks for saving that.

March 8, 2010 @ 12:08 pm | Comment

Good fun, thanks richard.

March 8, 2010 @ 6:26 pm | Comment

@Michael Turton – According to irate posters on the WSJ website, it was just a harmless humour column that they were slipping by the censors in the metro section. Now it’s history because it came to the attention of the wrong people. So much for the announcement, a few days ago, that GT was entering a new era in which, asides from the private lives of the leadership, there’s nothing that they wouldn’t dare to report.

March 8, 2010 @ 10:00 pm | Comment

Ok I was really thinking that yes you may really be an italian, and indeed you may. But according to women, yes indeed you may have had a lot, but when it comes to write english, yes this made me think that you may be an italian, so poor in learning other languages.
Italians have this nice sense of humour and spectacles that is so funny, and so ridiculous, and the best characteristic of them actually is to talk much and do nothing. I’m not talking about being immature, I’m talking about selling smoke and dreams fot cloth:-) so I wish to your theater a lot of naive people who may really believe your smoke is made of solid material.

March 11, 2010 @ 6:08 pm | Comment

To put things right:
1) Alessandro is not Italian at all: his italian language skills are really poor, to the point of nonsense.
2) Someone finds his prose offensive. I suppose these people have been living on Mars in the last 20 years, with no access to tv talk-shows, Hollywood rubbish and similar stuff
3) Alessandro’s columns were utterly brilliant and entertaining. Sadly, too clever for most people to appreciate them.

March 11, 2010 @ 9:48 pm | Comment

gery please screw yourself

March 12, 2010 @ 12:37 am | Comment

Fuck! If only Alessandro was real… we could have found the right successor for Berlusconi.
I am italian and I have to recognize that he can rappresent a kind of italian archetype very numerous. Anyway not all italians are like him as well not all yankees are cowboys or fucking idiots or murders like georgie bush.
So Gery don’t say bullshit please, and try to learn italian language before judge the learning capabilities of other people.

March 12, 2010 @ 4:33 am | Comment

It is truly remarkable, how many people has such a limited sense of humor. I really wonder how someone could really believe any stuff like that could be real!!??
This Alessandro, whatever is Italian or not, is depicting some kind of stereotype in a way very amusing. Surely the language may be a “little harsh” but certainly no more than most of the crap broadcasted on TV or the stuff freely available on the web.
I think it should be more interesting to find out how come that stuff like that is published on a chinese media, this is something worthy of debate!

March 12, 2010 @ 10:23 am | Comment

Ok, grazie di esservi offesi fino al midollo, non può che farmi piacere, e si, è vero che gli italiani non sono tutti cosi:-) ma mi ha fatto piacere leggere che io non capisco italiano, visto che non potrebbe essere più sbagliato. Ho letto di questo tizio/individuo e non ci credevo ai miei occhi, tanto da decidere di usare il sarcasmo, ma non capisco come mai vi siete offesi dalle mie parole e non dal presunto comportamento di chi detiene la rubrica, e dalla sua dichiarazione di essere italiano usando a mio parere una falsa nazionalità per scopi commerciali.
Siccome non intendo ritornare più in questa rubrica, avevo scritto per ottenere una reazione da Alessandro, non di offendere gli italiani che leggono la rubrica, non la parte onesta almeno. Ma sicuramente è visibile il IP in Italia.
Tuttavia in parte le mie parole restano vere anche se ho usato il sarcasmo, non quelle rivolte ad Alessandro che mi sembra la solita tecnica cinese, ma sul fatto dello stereotipo italiano di un certo tipo, un po la commedia di ogni giorno,fortunatamente gli italiani sanno anche eccellere fuori dagli stereotipi e dalle etichette. Perciò amici onesti non vi offendete tanto, siamo nella stessa barca.

March 12, 2010 @ 8:13 pm | Comment

Many Italian sentences that Alessandro writes in his posts are not correct, like … “Il mio fronte sta fondendo” … this is not Italian at all. hihihihi!!

Alessandro is a Chinese girl, her name is Lien. She leaves in the Tong zhou District in Beijing. I met her in a disco last month. She told me that hate Italian men and the way they treat women (see as example the Italian Prime Minister). This is the reason why she invented “Alessandro”. I love Lien, she is great!

March 13, 2010 @ 6:20 am | Comment

Funny, I know someone else who claims to be Alessandro, and he’s a Western guy whose name starts with a “G.” And I suspect my sources are more accurate than yours, but who knows.

March 13, 2010 @ 7:19 am | Comment

[...] tamarri Ultimamente pare che perfino nella lontana città di Pechino sappiano riconoscer l’italiano – a mezzo blog, se non di prima mano – perché dà sempre netta l’impressione d’essere [...]

March 15, 2010 @ 5:38 am | Pingback

[...] Nel mentre, su Global Times, voce inglese del cinese People’s Daily, Ask Alessandro ha terminato la sua corsa. “Ask Alessandro” era una rubrica umoristica attribuita a un giovane italiano a Pechino, che rispondeva alle domande assurde del pubblico tra il cazzeggio e l’esaltazione della sua expertise sessuale. La rubrica di Global Times era diventata una delle più seguite del quodiano, e, prima di essere chiusa, ha suscitato la reazione sdegnate del Wall Street Journal per la svolta satirica del potere cinese o lo sdegno parimenti intenso di chi vi scorgeva lo stereotipo di un popolo destinato alle pagliacciate. Sul sito Pecking Duck, qualcuno ha colto l’occasione per rilanciare la satira di stato con l’idea del Premio Mao per la Pace. [...]

March 15, 2010 @ 3:08 pm | Pingback

[...] below in a comment by Choudoufu, Richard at The Peking Duck posted the full piece under the post Ask Alessandro? Another good link to read concerning Alessandro is The impending death of Ask Alessandro at the [...]

August 5, 2010 @ 6:27 am | Pingback

[...] into a single vessel. It’s fitting that the blogger brings it up in the context of the Ask Alessandro columns; this one is nearly as [...]

August 5, 2010 @ 8:06 am | Pingback

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