The Peking Duck Photo Caption Contest

Part of an irregular series here at The Duck. Ideas for a suitable caption?

jetliandyao270.jpg

Source: That’s Beijing

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Richard Burger is the author of Behind the Red Door: Sex in China, an exploration of China's sexual revolution and its clash with traditional Chinese values.

The Discussion: 33 Comments

Honey, I shrunk that guy next to me?

February 20, 2008 @ 8:26 am | Comment

…A CHALLENGER APPEARS!!!

February 20, 2008 @ 8:36 am | Comment

Nothing Says “NBA” like Turqoise Floors

February 20, 2008 @ 9:35 am | Comment

I Believe Everyone Should Take Good Care of Their Reproductive Organs

Please do not think this is a pornographic post. This post is written totally in an engineering mindset.

The essence of life lies in the effort to reproduce. If any species loses the ability to reproduce, then that species is doomed. Therefore, from the minute a life is born, that life needs to start the work of trying to reproduce an offspring.

Then, we may ask, when Nature designed the human body, what is the reproductive organ designed for? The answer is of course, it is designed for reproducing offspring. The male penis and the female vagina are the important instruments of reproduction.

I think it’s totally possible that science will develop to a point where there’s no need to reproduce an offspring using the human reproductive organ, but instead produced in a factory, like how a car is produced today. But this perhaps will be far into the future, at least in the near future, maintaining and extending human population must still rely on the human reproductive organs.

Therefore, the reproductive organs are very important, and are designed for serious use. They must not be used as toys for entertainment, and must be kept in good conditions. For example, the eye is also a critical function of a human, who will use the eye as a toy and play with it?

But human society develops to a point where a group of people have ascended to the upper class or the ruling class. Once they become the ruling class, they do not need to worry about survival, and it leads them to treat their reproductive organs as toys. This in turn leads to the deterioration of those organs, statistically speaking, their reproductive organs are no longer as healthy as the people of the lower class. Also, because of their addiction to playing with their organs, they refuse to engage in reproduction. These 2 factors together lead to the slowdown or negative growth of population.

Now if you look at Israel. Today’s Israel has a population of roughly 3 million. But was surrounded by hundreds of millions of Muslims. No matter how smart, how hardworking the Israelis are, the sheer population gap between them and the Muslims means there’s no hope for Israel. If 2000 years ago, the Israelis also paid attention to population maximization like the Chinese, then perhaps today, the Israeli population would be around 200 million or so (assuming a 0.05% annual population increase). The strength and power of 200 million Israelis are enough to destroy the entire population of all Muslims.

Historically, the West was ruled by a slavery system, therefore as soon as people become rich, they become salacious. And when they become salacious, they start to play with their reproductive organs, hurting their ability to reproduce, causing population declines. This becomes a self-destructive process. This process can last for as long as 300 years. The slave owners and ruling class of the Ancient Greece and Ancient Rome all damaged their reproductive organs because of salaciousness, and once their reproductive organs are damaged, then all the great democracy system, the freedom of speech, are for nothing. Soon, the slave owner class was destroyed by the slaves, whose reproductive organs were in a much better state than their ruling class. The famous hollywood movie “Gladiator” is a good example.

Unfortunately, today’s Americans and British and French and all the Western white population are repeating the same mistakes as their slave owner ancestors. They are talking about sexual liberation, and create all kinds of complex theories to justify treating one’s reprodutive organs as toys. This is the start of a self-destrutive process that the Romans and the Greeks went through.

People in many African countries also treat their reproductive organs as toys. This causes the AIDS rate in Africa to be about 30%. That is, when you meet a live African, there’s a 30% chance that it has AIDS.

Therefore, I believe China should start a national movement to protect citizen’s reproductive organs, and not treat them as toys, and maintain their healthy status. This is an important step towards avoiding the extinction of the Chinese race.

In fact, in Ancient China, there was a good culture of protecting those organs. For example, in Ancient China, when a man marries a woman, he wished that the woman was a virgin. In other words, he wished that he could receive an unopened and unused package, and not a refurbished one – the better the quality of the product, the better it is for reproductive purposes. This I believe was a very good tradition.

Also, in many Islamic cultures, unfaithful wives will get burned alive, or be forced to sit on a moving wood stick, and the wood stick would move up and down and completely smash her vagina, as a punishment for adultery. This is of course intended to preserve the reproductive organ, because adultery will increase chance of STD’s. But of course the method of punishment is not humanitarian enough.

But in today’s West, everyone is treating their reproductive organs as a toy, and this is slowly becoming a trend and a fashionable thing, and is slowly being introduced by Chinese rightist intellectuals into China. This has the potential to start the same self-destructive process for the Chinese race. In introducing this harmful custom, there are many myths that are being introduced as well:

The first myth is that, a person must regularly have sex, otherwise he will have psychological problems. There’s no proof of this. Many animals, such as bear, pigeons, flies, foxes, take a very long time to find a mating partner, and the mating process itself is very short. But this has not affected their healthy or their mental state. In terms of efficient reproduction, if a person desires to have 5 children in his life, then he just needs to have sex a maximum of 5 times in his life.

In fact, the opposite is true. A person who treats his reproductive organs purely as a toy, then it is against the rules of nature, and that will actually lead to psychological problems. Just look at the amount of bondage societies, torture clubs, incest acts, anal licks, school shootings in the West.

We must understand, reproductive organs are used to reproduce, not to play. If an entire race starts to treat their reproductive organs as toys, then they have taken a poison, and will have started to slowly self-destruct, and eventually it will become extinct.

I predict that 300 years from today, Caucasians will be extinct.

February 20, 2008 @ 10:10 am | Comment

Math, what the heck are you talking about? You are the living proof that men should frequently get laid

February 20, 2008 @ 10:51 am | Comment

Math is proof of the utter uselessness of the typical Chinese student.

February 20, 2008 @ 11:03 am | Comment

@nanhe, your one liners were funny when Kosovo was still part of Serbia…

February 20, 2008 @ 11:09 am | Comment

“Historically, the West was ruled by a slavery system, therefore as soon as people become rich, they become salacious. And when they become salacious, they start to play with their reproductive organs, hurting their ability to reproduce, causing population declines.”

Math, have you ever considered a career in stand-up comedy?

“But in today’s West, everyone is treating their reproductive organs as a toy, and this is slowly becoming a trend and a fashionable thing …”

Math, have you been following the Edison Chen sex scandal saga?

February 20, 2008 @ 2:22 pm | Comment

I vote for Math’s pithy caption as the winner!

February 20, 2008 @ 2:23 pm | Comment

Math,
you meant Chinese played their repro. organs more and that explained the big population, right?

February 20, 2008 @ 2:46 pm | Comment

Math takes his reproductive organ seriously and does nothing with it. Doubtful anyone else does anything with it either.

February 20, 2008 @ 2:52 pm | Comment

I Believe In Playing With My Reproductive Organs. Otherwise They Get Bored and Start Tearing Things Up Around The House. Like Couch Cushions. And Shoes. And Toilet paper. They Can Make An Incredible Mess, I Am Telling You. And By The Way, Has Anyone Bothered to Explain to Math that Race is an Artificial (e.g. Cultural) Construct? Yes, Really!

Signed,

Lisa’s Reproductive Organs

February 20, 2008 @ 3:28 pm | Comment

Here’s a pithy one for ya:

Wax man and wax mini-me on wax floor.

February 20, 2008 @ 3:45 pm | Comment

OMG, Math , you are too funny!

“I predict that 300 years from today, Caucasians will be extinct.”Posted by: Math at February 20, 2008 10:10 AM…

Math, you could be right about the extinction of Caucasians in 300 years, but I’m afraid so will the rest of the human race extinct with them. And, no, it will definitely not be from treating their or our genitals as toys by playing too much with their/our reproductive organs but most likely from the lust to see ourselves as God and playing with “Fire & Brimstones,” i.e. Sexy Weapons of Mass Destruction, stockpiling Nuclear weapons, and endlessly mining & extracting radio-active materials and dubious methods with handling radio active residues & nuclear waste.

“Two athletic giants sharing a moment for their fans.”

February 20, 2008 @ 8:14 pm | Comment

Captions suggestions:

1. The Chinese answer to Pat and Patachon.

2. See, I told you, Mengniu dairy products do make a difference.

February 20, 2008 @ 8:31 pm | Comment

“Math, have you ever considered a career in stand-up comedy?”

Yes, but he isn’t funny enough to attract an audience in real life, so he decided to become an Internet troll instead.

“OMG, Math , you are too funny!”

Looks like ferin and Math are sharing the same groupie.

February 20, 2008 @ 8:37 pm | Comment

“I Believe In Playing With My Reproductive Organs. Otherwise They Get Bored and Start Tearing Things Up Around The House. Like Couch Cushions. And Shoes. And Toilet paper. They Can Make An Incredible Mess, I Am Telling You.”
That is so effing hilarious, I’d almost start a blog just to be able to quote it! :-D

February 20, 2008 @ 9:07 pm | Comment

in fact, mankind is likely to face serious trouble sooner than 2300 due to a lack of resources for the giant mass we’ve become. there’s simply not enough food nor water nor fuel for the 9 billion people there’ll be in 2050, about one third more than there are today.

but this is off-topic. how about banning math from this blog? he’s just a pain in he arse, if you excuse my french.

February 20, 2008 @ 11:23 pm | Comment

Are Math’s comments and general tone common in Asian culture?

February 20, 2008 @ 11:46 pm | Comment

Caption:

Before and After – Sponsor: Nihou Growth Hormones

February 21, 2008 @ 1:05 am | Comment

@itha

I think the administrators’ policy regarding Math is to ignore him rather than ban him, because the latter would only get him the attention he wants so badly.

@wartide

Certainly not. I actually doubt that he is from an Asian (Chinese) cultural background. He might as well be some joker from America or Europe or anywhere else.

@Bill

Really funny, all the more so, because you can really see such commercials on Chinese TV.

February 21, 2008 @ 3:01 am | Comment

well, i think math precisely gets all the attention he’s yearning for by emptying his rubbish bin here. so yes, let’s all ignore him more often.

February 21, 2008 @ 3:31 am | Comment

This was one of the first cellular ‘Bar’ commercials from the early 90′s- back when cellphones either got service or were useless pieces of metal that gave you brain tumors. —- Do they play those ads in china?

February 21, 2008 @ 3:28 pm | Comment

“I predict that 300 years from today, Caucasians will be extinct.”

Maybe playing with our toys is just some insane Soviet plot to sap and purify our precious bodily fluids. Oh wait…. Soviets are Caucasian. Hmm…. on what other large country can we drop the bomb for encouraging us to not play with toys?

February 21, 2008 @ 3:47 pm | Comment

Bill wins. Alternatively, change “growth hormones” to those child-stretching devices they used to advertise on TV here.

February 21, 2008 @ 5:33 pm | Comment

“People in many African countries also treat their reproductive organs as toys. This causes the AIDS rate in Africa to be about 30%. That is, when you meet a live African, there’s a 30% chance that it has AIDS.”

did no-one else notice Math referring to Africans as it? no doubt someone will be along in a moment to say that not criticising that proves westerners are all racist.

i like it, math, if you’re going to be off topic – really go off topic!

PS I vote for Bill

February 21, 2008 @ 7:22 pm | Comment

@Si

I think most people don’t bother to read Math’s posts. Usually, it’s enough to read the first sentence to realize that it’s just another lengthy and hollow monologue written by the same Math who never bothers to respond to others or engage in any kind of debate.
But you are right, his remarks about Africans are way over the top and no doubt certain people are already getting ready to blame it all on the West.

And another vote for Bill

February 21, 2008 @ 7:33 pm | Comment

No way that is not Jet-Li. That is just some punk kid they got from a slum somewhere and said smile and do some back flips and maybe you get feed.

About Yao Ming. I remember seeing him in a computer commercial with AKA Vern ( the guy who plays Mini-Me in Austin Powers Movies ) where Vern had a big Laptop and he had a Mini version of the Laptop Vern had.

About BasketBall I stop watching it after seeing nonsense like players playing tag matches with movie stars. They could play matches with the audience instead would be more nicer.

What crossed my mind after seeing this and then the picture with Lurch and SD man was like..

Oh China how I never knew you. No really I though there was no such thing as the worlds smallest man

February 22, 2008 @ 9:52 am | Comment

Caption: “Hey, kid, get yer hand off my ass.”

But I give Math some points too. It takes serious balls no intended) to post an 1100 word crypto-feshisist screed in response to an invitation for a goofy picture caption.

February 22, 2008 @ 4:31 pm | Comment

Whoops. Sorry for the typo. Should read “no pun intended” above. Guess I was in a fluster after reading about the wooden stick punishment.

February 22, 2008 @ 4:33 pm | Comment

I think most people don’t bother to read Math’s posts. Usually, it’s enough to read the first sentence to realize that it’s just another lengthy and hollow monologue written by the same Math who never bothers to respond to others or engage in any kind of debate.

BINGO! We have a winner.

February 23, 2008 @ 1:38 am | Comment

What do I win?

February 23, 2008 @ 2:58 am | Comment

My vote goes to Will. Brilliant!

February 23, 2008 @ 11:57 am | Comment

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