China On Notice, January 13, 2007


image courtesy of The On Notice Generator and Baby Bear Colbert

Evolution: Scientists recently found a skull that is the first fossil evidence of the Out of Africa theory. I’m warning you, “scientists”, don’t go messing with the multiregional hypothesis. You might as well call the Yellow Emperor a monkey.

Monolinguists: dementia will set in earlier for you, according to a Canadian study. So that explains why all those poor English students stare off into space…

Flash Gordon: The Scifi Channel is bringing back Flash (AAAAAAAH! Savior of the Universe!) Gordon in a new TV series. No word on whether Sammo Hung or Chow Yun Fat will play Ming the Merciless of Mongolia – I mean Mongo. Hey, while we’re at it, can we see Fu Manchu as the new host of “The Apprentice”? Being invested with “all the cruel cunning of the entire Eastern race”, he’d almost be as insidious as the Donald.

Giant Mutant Rabbits: North Korea says “sanctions, schmanctions” – we’re gonna dine on giant East German rabbits! Apparently somebody in China is interested too, which leads to the question: are there good Chinese recipes for rabbit?

Water: Virtual China pointed out Baidu’s list of Top Ten Why, How, What and Should Questions for 2006. #3 “Why” was “Why do we need to drink water?” Yeah, why do we need to drink water? What’s up with that? Wouldn’t you rather have some milk tea?

Fast Changing Society: China Daily shows us a survey of teenage sex habits in Beijing. Average age for losing your virginity was 15 years old and 40% didn’t use contraceptives their first time. Researchers “can only conclude that it is a result of a fast changing society”. Way to pin it down, guys. Society, we’re watching you. Slow down, or you’ll be “Dead to Me”.

Ugly People: and anyone who is short, married, female, and guys named Meng. 85% of 3,424 respondents in 10 urban Chinese cities claimed they were discriminated against when applying for jobs. Hey, it’s not employers fault that all Beijing people are lazy.

Sexy Milk Tea: No wonder all those teenagers are getting it on like giant mutant rabbits. They’re drinking naughty milk tea that goes against “social morality”!

The Discussion: 3 Comments

Drink water? I thought that’s what beer was for!

January 14, 2007 @ 2:00 am | Comment

Damn, such a brilliant post. You have truly mastered the art of Colbertesque humor, and I can only watch in jealous amazement.

January 14, 2007 @ 3:44 pm | Comment

@Richard: gee, thanks. I just use it to tie together a bunch of random bits about China I wanna share. This will probably be the last On Notice post though. The novelty has worn off. I need a new theme for packaging all this stuff. Suggestions?

January 14, 2007 @ 6:32 pm | Comment

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