10 ways to improve quality of life in Beijing

And I agree with every one of them.

The Discussion: 12 Comments

OH yeah. Especially 7 & 8. And the one about not demolishing old neighborhoods. And…

October 19, 2006 @ 9:21 am | Comment

Yes I really am serious:

11. Abolish the Central Propaganda Department

12. Exile all “social science” or Humanities faculty of CASS, Tsinghua and Renmin Universities to the countryside for 20 years, except for any who have ever been censored or placed under house arrest or otherwise persecuted.

13. Remove Mao’s portrait from Tienanmen Gate and replace it with a picture of the Dalai Lama.

14. Abolish CCTV and replace all of its currently scheduled broadcasts with BBC documentaries (subtitled)

October 19, 2006 @ 9:35 am | Comment

Hu Jintao reads this blog first thing every morning. I’m confident he’s busy implementing your recommendations at this very minute, Ivan.

October 19, 2006 @ 9:42 am | Comment

By Jove though, it’s all wishful thinking isn’t it?

15. Introduce mobile phone signal jamming devices in cinemas across the land.

16. Mood lighting in restaurants?

17. Start queing, everywhere. Or just shout “Stampede!!!” when a bus arrives at the stop.

(not as socially revolutionary as Ivan’s suggestions, but as they say… Simple things…….)

October 19, 2006 @ 10:38 am | Comment

The reason why my above suggestions really are serious, is because as long as the mindless, lying, lazy Communist Party dictatorship remains unchallengable, we’re all just pissing in the wind to hope for any practical improvements at all.

October 19, 2006 @ 11:51 am | Comment

18. All bakeries must learn how to bake real bread, on pain of death. It’s not that hard, for God’s sake.

19. Abolition of all putative “Western” restaurants and menu entrees, except for those which are actually run and/or prepared 100 percent by Westerners, except for the English.

20. Possession of Kenny-G CDs will be a felony.
Broacasting Kenny G, a capital offense.

21. Bouncing basketballs anywhere other than on a basketball court: Offender’s head will be bounced in the same area.

22. Any pedestrian caught walking with his head pointed more than 60 degrees away from the direction from where he is walking: Ball and chain for six months.

23. Walking into a doorway in a crowded area and suddenly stoppping: Ball and chain for one year.

24. Pushing anyone away from a taxi which they hailed first: Death penalty.

25. Spitting: Torture by “spitboarding” (a variation on “waterboarding”

25. Chewing with mouth open: Removal of all teeth.

Gotta go, I’ll think of some more penal reforms soon…

October 19, 2006 @ 12:20 pm | Comment

26. Burn all Chinglish road signs, particularly the one at the Avenue of Eternal Peace, which reads: “To Take Notice of Safe; The Slippery are Very Crafty”.

27. Compulsory in-country studies (in English speaking countries) for all English major university students in Beijing. Believe me, they desperately need it.

28. Wheelchair access & disabled toilets for ALL public buildings, restaurants and tourist spots.

29. Mandatory custodian sentences for those who use their mobile phone to send text messages while they are driving or walking.

30. Punishment by castration for drivers who fail to stop after they have knocked down a dog or a cat.

October 19, 2006 @ 2:13 pm | Comment

31. Open every bottle of Great Wall Red Wine in Beijing and pour it down the gutter where it belongs.

October 19, 2006 @ 2:18 pm | Comment

HAH! I have a photo of a “to take notice of safe” sign – it was at the driveway at Henderson Plaza, I think.

And don’t forget to pour the Dragon Seal out with the Great Wall.

October 19, 2006 @ 2:26 pm | Comment

32. Groups of people walking four-abreast down the sidewalk and not parting to let people through will be tasered.

33. The same goes for people who walk too slowly, zig-zag, or stop all of a sudden right in front of you.

34. Immediate moratorium on all the funny hat buildings.

35. (Beijing only) People staring at or discussing foreigners passing by will be charged money based on the length and content of the discussion. Revenues will go to education programs to make you people not be such fucking hicks, I mean, Jesus.

36. Sorry.

37. The odd ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ wouldn’t hurt. Not in English; in Chinese. This may be a bit much to hope for in the short term; try just not being so shitty to your fellow citizens once in a while.

October 19, 2006 @ 2:55 pm | Comment

38. Beat anyone who immediately stops, stands in the way and looks around after getting off the escalator.

39. Beat anyone who waits for the ‘next step’ getting on an escalator

October 19, 2006 @ 5:57 pm | Comment

Anyone who parrots the Communist propganda line that “HIV is a Foreigners’ disease” will be sent to Henan to undergo forced blood donations.

October 19, 2006 @ 6:13 pm | Comment

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